I have to be really honest about something that is not really that easy to be honest about.
I am letting stuff get to me, and it is eating away at the person I usually am.
I have been grumpy, short at times, overly emotional, dramatic, inconsiderate, nonchalant, on edge, and a little anxious.
I don’t feel like myself.
I really like feeling like myself, so this isn’t a fun place to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still very happy and feel very blessed to live this life I live. I have a great family and wonderful friends. God has blessed me with a job I love, and allowed me to be a part of a ministry that I feel He is really using. I have everything a I need, and a lot of things I want. I truly have been given beyond measure, and that is humbling and awesome, all at the same time.
Something is still plaguing my heart though. I am not sure exactly what it is. I think it is a combination of having to wait on God’s timing, past hurts that are healing, new hurts that sting, fear, and the death of misplaced hope.
It’s hard for me to admit, but even into going into the 9th year of my journey with God, I still continue to place my hope in things that are not Him.
It always starts the same way. I am walking with the Lord and things are going great, and then something takes my focus away. This other thing is inviting, gives me a feeling of validation, brings me a rush. Things go great and I get a boost of confidence, self-esteem, and the world appear brighter. Before I know it, I have replaced my true eternal Hope in Jesus Christ, with a cheap imitation.
The other things or people( okay men, to be more specific) aren’t necessarily bad or sinful. They can even be good things that are a part of God’s plan. I put too much emphasis on the temporal and not enough on the eternal. Before you know it, I have let the cheap imitation hope take over. As with anything fake, we know what eventually will happen. It will fall apart.
Then, I am left with the pieces, frantically trying to make some resemblance of the hope I thought I had found.
I have to stop getting mad at the source of cheap imitation hope. It is a thing, an idea, a person. None of the above is God, so therefore it can and will fail, eventually. I don’t need to get mad, I just need to turn those things over to God. I mean, he is in control anyway,right? He is the Hope that doesn’t disappoint.
I know all this. I love God and I do believe he has a plan for my life. Yet, I still find myself ensnared in the trap of misplaced hope. It sneaks up on me. It draws me in. It is SO frustrating.
Lately the misplaced hope has been a combination of things. I have been waiting a long time on God to reveal some things that have yet to be revealed. I am processing through the pain of some broken relationships. I am facing the fear that I may never get to have a a family of my own, which is something that has always been at the top of my list ( and a really hard thing to admit.) I am trying hard to trust God with all of these things. I know he is so very faithful. He has proven that so many times over the course of our relationship.
Doubts creep in though. Easy ways out come along. Cheap imitations start to cloud that view of trust.
I have to stop buying into those things and start reminding myself over and over that my only Hope is Jesus Christ. He is so faithful and has a plan. I am in the middle of the wilderness, and He can see the other side. He knows it all works out. I just gotta trust.
It is sometimes hard for me to share things that are very personal, but I feel in this case, I needed to do it. Maybe you have been through something similar and are now on the other side. I would love to hear about your journey. Maybe you are in the middle like me, wondering how it is all going to work out. Maybe you have never experienced this only Hope I am talking about.
Whatever your situation, I am praying for you and myself. It’s time we kill this misplaced hope once and for all, and put all our hoping in the only Hope.
“God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” Numbers 23:19
“Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” Psalm 33:22